New Blog Site

We have moved.  Several have commented that they haven't been able to find us at the new blog.

Here is the new address:   griffithzoo2.blogspot.com

or just click   HERE

The End

Thank you everyone for reading this blog for the last couple of years.  I can't tell you how grateful I am for all the prayers, support, and encouragement my family has found in this place.  I find it necessary at this time to post for the last time here.  This is Marc's place and I don't want to add to it any longer.  I hope that he was honored here and that you were able to gain a sense of the person he was and the God he served.  I hope that you were encouraged here, too.  I hope, constantly, that lives are changed because of Marc's life, faith, and death.  That is my prayer....

I have had many conversations with friends and family regarding this blog site.  I am so grateful for all of the positive feedback.  Thank you.  I have been given the challenge by several people close to me to continue writing.  I have wrestled long and hard with the idea and have prayed about it diligently for the last several weeks.  I have determined that I will continue, but not here.  I am going to move to another site.  The sole purpose of the new site will be to continue what was started here.   This site evolved into a place where folks could see Jesus at work -- his love, his kindness, his answers to prayer.  His work in my life and in the lives of my children is far from finished.  More than ever I see His goodness and I feel privileged to share it.  His work is not finished, so I guess mine isn't either!

If you would like to see how God continues to bless us, please join us here.  I'll look forward to seeing you there!

As always...with love and gratitude.

Letters....

I have had several more requests for copies of the letters that the kids and I wrote to Marc.   These were read at the memorial service.  Here goes....

Dear Dad,



I wish your cancer had been healed. I feel really sad that you couldn’t live. I wish you could be here with us right now. It would bring me much joy to see your face again. I miss going on hiking trips with you and going out to get donuts with you at Joe’s. I wish I could still snuggle up with you in bed. It makes me happy, though, to know that you are alive in heaven.


Thank you for being my earthly father. I promise I will see you in heaven.


I love you, Dad.


Adam

***********************************************************************************
Dear Dad,



I wish you could be here to do all the fun stuff that we have been doing. It’s really a bummer to not have you here. I wish you hadn’t left.


Thank you for being a good dad. It was fun do everything together when you were here. What I really miss most about you is when we went on camping trips together. I am going to miss you.


I am going to remember the note that you gave me. I promise to be a dad like you.


I love you,


Ben

**********************************************************************************
Dear Daddy,



I hope you are feeling better in heaven. I miss you a lot. I feel really sad that you are gone. I miss going out with you to do things. Nothing is the same without you.


I want to thank you for being my dad. You were the best dad ever.


I promise I’ll see you someday in heaven.


Sincerely,


Julia

**********************************************************************************


Dear Daddy,



I love you. It’s just that I miss you so much. I love you and I liked your hugs and kisses. It’s because you were the best daddy. I really liked you because you’re fun. I liked you because you are really playful. And you really tickle me so much. You have a family and we love you. I buried you today and I love you so much. It made me cry. I hope you feel better in heaven.


Love,


Sophia

**********************************************************************************


Dear Marc,



Alan gave me the assignment to write you one last love letter. Hmmm….I have procrastinated this for weeks. I have grown so weary of lasts. Our last date, last conversations, last meals, last smiles, last kiss, your last day, now my last letter. Last, last, last. There are no more lasts. Only firsts, and those seem almost harder. My first night crawling into bed without you there. I missed the sound of you breathing, the touch of your hand. The first day without you to care for. I missed the intensity of caring for your needs. My first day as a single parent. I miss your wisdom and patience. The first time I had to say the words aloud, “Marc has passed away.” Oh, Sweetheart, I miss you so much!


There was not much we left unsaid. I feel so blessed to know exactly where we stood with each other even unto the end. Many of the things we have said to each other or left in notes over the years are so precious to me. A lot of those things I am going to keep to myself. So much about our journey we have shared openly. Some things I want to keep just for me. You understand. They are in my heart and mind – treasures to reflect upon in the days, weeks, and years to come. Memories that will sustain me and remind me of a marriage and a friendship that were remarkable. Those memories are for me…for us.


But what I don’t want to keep to myself – ever – is the complete respect and admiration that I have for you. You are so easy to love. I have never once struggled with submitting to you. Your lead has been easy to follow. I always feel that you lead, not with your ambition in mind, but with the needs of me and the children in mind. You led me with a servant’s heart and I was blessed by you.


I thank you for choosing me as your wife and for working so hard on our marriage. I thank you for our four amazing children. I see so much of you in them. I will keep my promise to raise them in a way that will honor the Lord. I thank you for your faith, your grace, and your courage.


Your courage, especially, was incredible to witness. Thank you for having the courage to face cancer with faith and dignity. Thank you for taking treatment after treatment and putting your body through untold misery and never once complaining. I know you did it for me and the kids and I am so grateful. Thank you for having the courage to be present for the family during your entire illness. You never felt sorry for yourself and persisted as a husband and parent. You never gave up the fight and you never gave up your rightful place as the leader in our home. Thank you for having the courage to help others, even during your hour of need. You continued to pursue relationships, give advice, share wisdom, and inspire others, when it would have been just as easy to focus on your own needs and hurts. Thank you for having the courage to write each of us a beautiful goodbye letter. Your last letter to me. Your last letters to each of our children. Those were beautiful lasts. They were perfect and I can only imagine how it broke your heart to go through that . What a sacrifice. Thank you for having the courage to coach me through the maintenance of the house, the cars, and all the details of life that you needed to pass on to me . Thank you for constantly assuring me that I can do all of these things. You gave me the courage to face life as a widow and single mom with some semblance of confidence.


Marc, I miss you for a million reasons every day. I discover reasons to miss you constantly and it takes my breath away. I don’t know how I am going to do this without you, but I find inspiration in your courage and your wisdom. I know because of your example that I can do this if I do it one day at a time and if I trust in the Lord to help me through. I can continue on without you because you proved to me what real faith in Christ really looks like. Thank you for loving me enough to show me the way.


I love you, Marc. I miss you so much and can’t wait to see you again!


Love always,


me

Legacy

I have had several phone calls today asking if I could post my thoughts from the service yesterday on Marc's legacy.  I am happy to do that.  Thank you all that took the time to come and see us yeseterday.  My children and I, along with our extended family, were blessed by your presence.  Thank you!

I may post a few more things from the service over the coming days, but my intention is to bring this blogsite to a close soon; however, I will let you all know when I make my last posting.  Keep checking in with us.  We love hearing from you all!

Legacy....

I want to take a few minutes today to talk about something more than love and memories. In a little bit we will all leave this room and go out to resume our lives. What, beyond a few memories, will we take with us? I want today to be more than a nice service in memory of my husband. Marc’s life and Marc’s death has had a profound impact – he has left a rich legacy. Now the question remains….What will you do in light of what you have seen in my husband? Will you simply be amused? Have a respectful admiration? Or will you run the race that Christ has chosen for you with as much heart, passion, and integrity as Marc?


We are not here today to celebrate a perfect man or his perfect life. As his wife I had the front row seat to all his imperfections. But as his wife I also had a front row seat to his character. And what I saw was good. It wasn’t just good…it was phenomenal. He was the real deal – it wasn’t an act. Marc was an unobtrusive, quiet man. He never had to be the center of attention. Content at all times to be anonymous. He wasn’t educated beyond high school. His job, while he loved it, wasn’t glamorous. He never talked about his accomplishments and kept to himself. So what is there to notice? In a world that values accomplishment, power, fame, and education, it doesn’t seem like he left much worth remembering. Why on earth would one simple man passing away bring hundreds of people to his memorial service?

I don’t know the reason each of you came today. Some of you are grieving his death and are struggling to make sense of your personal loss. Others of you didn’t know Marc well, but love our children and our family enough to support us today. We are all here, though, trying to make sense of something that doesn’t seem fair. It doesn’t seem right. How can a vibrant man of 44 – a seemingly good man….a good husband…a good father…just pass away? What does it mean? It doesn’t make sense.

For the children and for myself, there is a gigantic hole in our lives. We have suffered a profound loss. Yet as painful as his absence is for us, we understand there is purpose in how Marc lived his life and how he passed away. His life was one big message and I hope none of us miss it. Marc’s life may very well be a wake up call for many of us. The issue is, will we wake up? Or will it be a call we simply didn’t answer?

I think Marc’s legacy can be summed up in about three things. Change, choices, and priorities.

Marc discovered early on his ability to change. Many things about Marc’s life growing up and as a young adult weren’t ideal. He found Christ early, but his faith wasn’t fed or nurtured. He wandered for a time, making worldly decisions that he found didn’t bring him happiness. He realized a need for change, a break from the path that he was on. He had the courage and humility to admit that how he was living his life wasn’t beneficial to anyone. So, he changed. He didn’t do it on his own, though. He was wise enough to seek out help. He started looking to those that had their act together – men of faith and strong character -- and sought their counsel. There was no shame in asking for that help. This attitude of humility and willingness to change served him well. Marc never acted as if he had all the answers. He was always willing to learn, to mature….to grow up. Everything in Marc’s life benefited from this attitude of teachability – his career, our marriage, his children.

Marc’s life could also be summed up in choices. He learned the gift of discernment and chose well. He chose Christ when the world would say its folly. He chose marriage when the culture says its okay to leave when it gets hard, inconvenient, or boring. He chose his children and their interests when pursuing his own ambitions and goals would have brought him more accolades. He chose to work hard and work honestly when it would have been easier to be dishonest and lazy. He chose to invest in personal relationships in a culture that doesn’t value or have time for loyal friendships. Marc never chose the easy way out.

Last, were Marc’s priorities. Marc’s priority was never himself. I don’t recall him ever being selfish or proud, always putting others needs and wants before his own. He was always humble enough to say he was sorry. He was gracious enough to not let most things bother him. Most of all, he knew how to forgive. He knew how to forgive the big offenses and the small ones. I know. I was on the receiving end of his forgiveness quite often. It’s a humbling and beautiful place to be. Marc kept his word. He followed through. He could be counted upon.

Change. Choices. Priorities. Marc summed it up best in words that he wrote to our children in a letter he left for them before he passed away:

“Do not forget the compassion and affection you have for others. Show it daily. Never withhold from expressing your love to those around you. Hold your children daily. Never be afraid to show your soft side. It is a gift from God.


Serve God first. Serve your spouse. Then serve others. You are last. This life is not about you. It's about who you are for others. In this you will mirror God's love for His people.


Remember that you are not of this world, but God has put you in it and has given you instructions to follow. Tell the truth always. And, in everything that you do, love, love, love.”
Marc lived these words. They weren’t just things he told his children to do because they sounded nice in a love note. He lived them and let me tell you, his life was a gift. My life married to this man was a gift. Even knowing how it would end up, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. My children had an amazing father and I hope his words and their memories of him guide them. But, I also hope that his life made a difference to you, too. Perhaps his life points us all in a better direction.

I know some of the hurts in this room today. I know the challenges many of you are facing. It’s hard stuff. I would just ask you to listen to the wisdom of a man that finished his race and finished it well. Marc would tell you, if you have a relationship that needs mending. Mend it. If you are in a marriage that is suffering. Tend it. It is so worth it! If you are the priority in your own life, consider reshuffling those priorities and reconsidering what life is really about. Think about changing. Think about your choices. Consider your priorities.

Perhaps my words fall on ears that don’t hear or don’t want to listen. On the other hand, perhaps Marc’s life will make a difference in one person. In one marriage. In one relationship. In one person’s faith. Adam, Ben, Julia, Sophia, and I, mourn the loss of our daddy and husband. But, we are convinced that God can use our loss for good. If one life is changed for the better because of Marc’s life and his passing, then perhaps it is not all loss. Perhaps in the bigger picture, we all win.

Updated Information

A trust account has been established for Adam, Benjamin, Julia and Sophia.  You may go to any Bank of America branch and ask for the "Marc A. Griffith Heirs Revocable Memorial Trust."  For the next ninety days they will be able to take contributions at any branch.  If you are visiting a branch outside of Oregon, you will need the account number.  That number is:  485005708058. 

For tax purposes an EIN has been established for this trust.  Should you need this number, please contact me and I will provide that for you. 

Many thanks from all of you that have requested this.  We are touched by your generosity. 

For memorial service information, please see the previous post.

With love and gratitude...

Memorial Service

Marc Andrew Griffith

May 17, 1966 -  September 30, 2010

 Memorial Service

October 24, 2010

at

3:00 p.m.

Good Shepherd Community Church

28986 SE Haley RD

Boring, OR 97009

(503) 663-5050

 

Many have asked where contributions

 and remembrances should be sent.

We are in the process of establishing trust accounts
 for Adam, Benjamin, Julia and Sophia.

You may check here for updates and information or contact us directly.

 

With love and gratitude....

Faithful Servant

His lord said to him,"Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler of many things.  Enter in to joy of your lord."

Matthew 25:21

Marc Andrew Griffith

May 17, 1966 - September 30, 2010

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  Finally there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge will give me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who who have loved His appearing.

2 Timothy 4: 6-8

Sweet Moments

The last two days have been the most difficult.  Around 4:00 yesterday Marc became unresponsive.  We had a few sweet moments just before that with our pastor, Alan.  We finished praying and exchanged a few brief words.  Since then he has been silent, struggling to take his next breath, and anxious.  This has been a difficult transition for all of us.  We are told that he is in his last hours, but we all know Marc's strength and determination -- he will leave us when he is ready and not a minute sooner.  He continues to amaze us.

We are doing as well as we can.  The kids stayed home today and we were comforted by the presence of  family, friends, and wonderful hospice workers.  We have our stressed, exhausted, and frightened moments; however, we also enjoy sweet moments together as family.  We remember, visit, share our hearts.....and, yes.....laugh.  God is good and He is present here with us. 

We are all tired and I need to be present for Marc and the kids.  This site will be silent from now until Marc goes home to be with his Heavenly Father.  We would be grateful for your continued prayers as we face this hard task.  I don't think any of us is prepared for what is to come.

With love and gratitude.....

Battle Weary

I don't have much to report and I want to keep it brief tonight.  Marc is holding his own.   He seems to be tolerating the TPN pretty well; however, we have faced a host of other issues since we have been home.  His breathing is becoming more difficult and he has a hard time catching his breath.  He is more awake and alert during the day, but his strength is gone from his muscles.  He can no longer walk and has a difficult time making it to the wheelchair.  He is exhausted and winded if he moves too much.  He fell a couple of times trying to get out of bed in the middle of the night.  I'm so worried he is going to injure himself.  The gastric tube we have been battling for weeks is working much better, though.  I'm relieved that something is better! 

We would be grateful for your prayers.  All of us are battle weary.  Marc is tired of being sick and hates the monotony of being in bed 24/7.  He feels trapped.  The kids are doing their best to be good sports as all of their interests and needs take second place to Dad's.  They are very gracious about it, but it's hard to be patient all the time.  I am overwhelmed.....still.  There are so many needs and only one very human me.  Can't say I've been in total control of the emotions this week.  With being tired comes frustration and sadness...and sometimes hysterics....yikes.  The good news is that I did ask for help.  Hospice will be coming in to do more consistent care and respite care this week so that I can have a break.  I am looking forward to pulling myself together.

Thanks for the continued care and support. 

With love and gratitude....

Heading Home!

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.  I am happy to report that, so far, TPN has been a success.  He is metabolizing it well and is already feeling the benefits of the hydration and nutrition after just two infusions.  He is stable enough to go home today.  We are encouraged by what this means for his comfort and quality of life as we face the days ahead.

The issues surrounding his gastric tube appear to be a bit better.  The doctors determined that going in and trying to make any adjustments would prove too risky.  While the system is not perfect, we have been able to keep it working with more flushing and more frequent draining.  Not ideal, but it works. 

Thanks to everyone that has helped us this week.  Juggling the kids' schedules, hospital visits, and Marc's needs, has taken a lot of help.  We are grateful for everyone that continues to put their lives on hold to help us.  It's very humbling.  We are grateful, too, to everyone that made the trip up the hill to visit us.  It really brings us comfort and cheers us up to see familiar faces in this place.  Thank you!

With love and gratitude....

Still Waiting...

It's Monday and we are still up at OHSU.   Marc's potassium finally stabilized and he will be starting TPN tonight.  It has taken four days to get to this point.  Along with the frustration with the potassium, he has been battling a great deal of pain in his abdomen.  His gastric tube is not working efficiently and the pressure of fluid and gas in his stomach causes tremendous pain.  We are still trying to understand the cause and find a solution to these problems. 

We are hoping all goes smoothly overnight as the TPN is introduced.  Getting to the point that he can actually take the treatment has been quite a journey.  Now that we have gotten to this point, his body actually has to be able to tolerate it.  There is concern that his metabolism won't be able to cope.  We pray that he will handle the treatment well without any further complications.  If all goes well we will be home on Wednesday.  We shall see....

Thank you for the continued prayers and support. 

With love and gratitude....

Locusts, Lice, Flies?

I'm sure the title of this post sparked your curiosity.  I'll get to the punchline in a minute.  First, just to update everyone, Marc was finally admitted to the hospital today around noon.  Along with trying to start the nutritional therapy (TPN), they will be assessing his gastric tube and picc line.  Both are not working as well as they should and need some maintenance.   

They have done an x-ray to determine if his picc line is still in a good position to accommodate the TPN fluids.  Haven't heard the results yet.  He did have his labs done right away and those results had everyone in an uproar.  Apparently his potassium is at 1.4 -- terribly low and makes it impossible to give him the TPN without causing major heart problems.   Right now he is receiving a potassium i.v. and will have his levels tested again in the morning.  Hopefully then he will be able to start taking the TPN.

Now, for the humorous....sort of.  Yesterday I was frustrated with the number of urgent matters that were consuming my attention and energy -- Marc's impending move to the hospital and all the arrangements and paperwork necessary to make that happen, Julia's rash, and Sophia's burns.  Seemed like one calamity after another plaguing my life.  All of them issues that demanded my involvement -- I couldn't put any of it off and it was (is) overwhelming.  I remarked yesterday to a couple of friends that the next thing to happen would be swarms of locusts descending on our home.  That was me being sarcastic and dramatic.  Ha.  Well, imagine my amusement this morning as the kids and I were eating breakfast and a couple of hornets went buzzing by.  Hmm.  No need to be alarmed, right?  Just get the fly swatter, yell a lot, and smoosh them into oblivion.  Problem solved.  Not exactly.  Julia headed upstairs to get dressed and said there was another one in the stairwell.  I killed that one and then asked her to go check the playroom.  Several years ago we had a nest in our eaves and they would sneak in around the siding and come in through the vents or light fixtures in our bonus room over the garage.  Marc had killed that nest and sealed the hole, but something about the whole scenario triggered an intuition that the same thing might be happening.

It wasn't a minute later and Julia was yelling down the stairs, "Mom, you have to see this!"  As I stepped into the playroom I was met with that all too familiar buzzing.  Bees, hundreds of them, clustered around the lights, hovering in the air, ping-ponging off the windows.  "Where are they coming from?" I shrieked.  The boys spotted their entrance right away.  The nest was in the wall and they had chewed a hole through the sheetrock.  THEY CHEWED A HOLE IN THE WALL!  I hurried the kids downstairs and slammed the door.  Next call was to the exterminator -- one more thing on my crazy list of urgent matters.  Life had become one sick, ironic joke in a matter of minutes.  I felt that hysterical anger rising again.  Why this?   Why now?  Isn't one of the complicated things on my plate enough?  Why more?

I put in my call to the exterminator and headed to town to drop the kids at school.  I then had a nice long, quiet drive home to fume over the state of affairs in my life.  I started thinking about the comment I had made yesterday about the locust.  I wondered why God brought that image to mind in the first place.  I started thinking about dumb old Pharoh and his stubbornness.  His heart was hard and he refused to acknowledge God's power.  As a result of his pride and obstinance he and his people suffered greatly at the hand of God.    Funny how I always think about that story and how it relates to the human being -- Pharoh.  I focus on his cruelty, stubbornness, manipulation, pride, his need for power, and ultimately his destruction.  I then compare my life to Pharoh's and am always relieved.  Well, at least I am not like him.  How could he not see God's power?  If plagues were raining down on me I wouldn't have been that stupid to dismiss God and not listen.  Idiot.  Then it struck me.  Foolish me.  The story isn't about Pharoh.  It's about God, his power, and sovereignty.   Each one of the plagues was miraculous in its own way.  They were all natural phenomenon that could not be ignored or denied.   The story is not just about God's people escaping tyranny and oppression, but in seeing God's wondrous power...right in front of their faces. 

I think I have lost sight of Him in the last few days.  I have been so consumed with the plagues in my life that I have not seen God right in front of my eyes.  No, I don't think God is punishing me with skin lesions and plagues of bugs; however, I think he used the situation to remind me that He is there...all the time.  Very powerful.  Able to perform miracles.  Able to remind me of his goodness.  His protection.   His presence....even if it means sending a swarm of bees to give me a much needed firm (and obvious) reminder.  I don't look back on today and think that God has forsaken me and heaped more on my plate than I can handle.  I look back on today and  know that my focus is back on my Lord, not on my circumstances.   Right where it should always be.

Thanks for the love and support this week.  We covet your prayers.
With love and gratitude....  

Another Change of Plan

Marc decided last week that he wanted to go back on nutritional therapy (TPN) to gain some weight and strength back. His weight has dropped to under 120 pounds and he has been really weak. His tumor has been quiet for a few weeks now and hasn't been causing him any pain. He went off all of his pain meds last week and has had no pain (nasty withdrawal symptoms, but no pain). He figures if he isn't going to be in pain he might as well have the energy to enjoy family and friends. So, after talking to hospice he has decided to give TPN a try again.

In the next day or so he will be going off of hospice to be admitted back into the care of his doctors at OHSU. He will spend the better part of this week at the hospital while they monitor his reaction to the therapy. The plan is that he will be admitted tomorrow, but beds on the oncology floor are full so it may not happen until Friday.  We are on standby.  I should know by tomorrow morning if we are to report to the hospital or not.
After he is released from the hospital, he will be put back on hospice and will return home. In the meantime, there are a ton of prayer requests. First, that this would be a success for Marc. Often times introducing this treatment at this stage can have devastating effects (congestive heart failure, liver failure, etc.). We are hoping this buys him a couple of weeks. He is determined not to pass away in September. He doesn't want to die in a month when there are family birthdays. This is his goal.

Please pray for the kids. This is the first week of school and it will make the week and weekend hectic for everyone. Ironically, this is exactly how the last week of school ended....Dad in the hospital. Not a fun time. Lastly, please pray for me. I am way, way, way overwhelmed. I feel like Gumby being stretched a million different pivotal directions. I am struggling with being there for Marc and with being there for the kids as they start back to school. I'm as tired as I have ever been. The weariness in combination with being pulled in different directions has me really anxious. I long for sleep, a manageable schedule, and peace in my heart. All are elusive right now.

Last, please pray for my girls.  Julia has been battling a nasty case of molluscum -- a viral skin condition -- for several months.  It has really flared up in the last couple of days and is causing her a great deal of discomfort.  It itches and hurts, making it difficult for her to function during the day and sleep at night.  She is miserable.  I do have an appointment with a specialist at OHSU, but it's next Thursday.  Please pray that she will be able to muddle through until then.  Also, please pray for Sophia.  She decided to see if I was really telling the truth by warning her not to touch the hot stove top.  I left the room after boiling water for tea and she couldn't resist touching the red hot element.  She burned her fingertips quite badly.  Argh.  Not a pretty sight.

Despite how crazy and overwhelming life seems right now, I am grateful and still feel blessed.  I want to say thanks to my parents for helping with Marc and Sophia this week so that I could run the kids to and from school.  A big thanks to Amy for helping me with Julia's skin rash.  She was able to direct me to the specialist that deals with this crud (and share in my frustration).  Many thanks to Glenn, Burton, Ed, and Dad, for cutting, splitting, and delivering, a big cord of wood today.  That was work the kids and I were dreading!  When we are snug and warm this winter we will remember those four sweet guys fondly!  Thank you!  Thank you!  Lastly, thank you everyone that keeps encouraging us with emails, texts, and phone calls.  It warms my heart the number of times folks stop what they are doing to tell us how much they care. 

With love and gratitude..

It Takes a Village to Throw a Party

Wednesday was Julia's birthday and we spent the day enjoying simple pleasures with family.  It was a great day and she really had fun.  However, in her mind, her true celebration was yesterday.  She has been planning her birthday party for weeks.  She wanted to have a sleepover with her girlfriends.  Not just any sleepover -- a camping sleepover in the tent, with a campfire, smore's, the whole works. 

I love making birthdays special so I spent time thinking through the details.  The "whole works" was going to take a lot of just that. Work!  With Marc declining as quickly as he has been I was just praying we would be able to pull off the Wednesday birthday.  Friday remained tentative until the last couple of days.  Well, prayers were answered.  Marc was stable enough for me to be distracted with the party, the weather was dry, and all the guests could attend. 

So, with the major hurdles overcome, it came down to the work.  There was no way I could have pulled off this party for Julia without the help of a lot of family and friends.  As it worked out, it was perfect!  Julia had so much fun and will always have great memories of her 8th birthday. 

My deepest thanks go out to:

•  Melanie for doing all the food and craft shopping, helping during the party, and cleaning up my kitchen!
• My folks for taking Sophia for the night and to Jess for taking the boys. 
•  A HUGE thank you to my brother-in-law, Tim, for spending the night inside with Marc so that I could have the pleasure of freezing to death in the tent outside with six little girls on sugar overload. 
• Cara, for being my partner in crime and freezing with me, hanging out with the kids all night, helping me clean up this morning, and being an overall amazing good sport. 
• Kasie, for helping the kids with the games, organizing the craft, and helping clean up.  She, too, was an amazing good sport.
• John for bringing out more sugar....Joe's donuts. Mmmmm!
• John and Dave for visiting with Marc and keeping him company.  It means a lot to him.
• Karen, Erika, and Jennifer, for providing extra hands during the evening.
• And of course, the kids:  Allison, Benjamin, Julia B., Noelle, Sarah, Savannah, and Wilson, for the gifts, giggles, and memories made on a very special 8th birthday.  Thank you!

An aggressive game of balloon stomp!

Allison slightly disoriented during pin-the-tail on the donkey....

The whole crew, including our good sports -- Cara and Kasie -- getting set to do bag races....

And they're off! 

My camp cake.   Stayed up waaaaaay too late on Thursday

 putting this thing together.  Glad I did....Julia was delighted. 

Can you hear the ear piercing squeals of laughter now? 

More giggles...

Cara wisely waiting by the campfire for the girl chatter to stop before she hits the sack. 

Did I mention she was a really good sport?!?

Thank you, again, everyone.  The night was a great success!

With love and gratitude....

Our Fair Lady Turns 8

A Happy Birthday to our sweet Julia!

She is growing up to be quite a lovely young lady.  We are so proud of her!

We give thanks for our children -- we are abundantly blessed!

Starting out our special day with German Pancakes and lots of phone calls!

A mid-day snack of cake batter.  Mmmmm....more carbs!  Yummy :)

Sweet birthday girl with Grandpa

Grandma, Auntie Ofelia, and Julia

I can only imagine what this girl's wishes are.....

Looking poised and lovely while waiting to open gifts....

Taking her time reading the cards....

Antsy onlookers....

Uncle Pawgy is so funny...

Already trying some moves on her much anticipated gift. 

Our girly girl isn't always so refined....

She is my child after all :)

(This picture is for cousin Chris....she is so excited to master the skateboard!)

Happy Birthday, Sweetpea!

Dad and Mom love you!

Please, Lord...No!

I received a call this afternoon from Pastor Alan.  He shared some very difficult news with us.  Apparently our dear friend, Maxine, was taken to the hospital this morning with excruciating pain.  She was diagnosed later today with advanced liver cancer.  Her prognosis is not good and time appears short. 

My heart sank as I heard Alan talking.  My mind was racing and I just couldn't think of words to say.  All I could think is that this dear friend has been struck by an all too familiar enemy.  "Please, Lord," I prayed.  "Please, Lord....No!"  My heart broke on so many levels.  I then had the heartbreak of sharing the news with Marc.

Mel and Max are not just dear friends to us.  They were our mentors while Marc and I were dating and engaged.  We met weekly to discuss marriage, relational pitfalls, and hear wise advice from a couple that had been married a long time, loved each other, and still liked each other.  They shared their struggles, lessons they had learned, and encouragement....lots of encouragement. 

When it came time to plan our wedding we asked Mel and Max to stand up for us in our wedding. "Sure!" they exclaimed.  "What date do you have in mind?"  We thought that July 12th would work out well.  They agreed and started to laugh.  Come to find out we had picked their 40th wedding anniversary for our wedding day!  Seemed like the perfect date to us.  They joined us at the altar that morning and later in the afternoon we watched as they renewed their vows.  These are amazing people.

These two have seen us through our wedding, buying a home, the births of our children, and a myriad of life issues.  We have enjoyed dinners together, late night card games, and vacationing together.  And every step of the way they were there with their kind words of wisdom and encouragement.  I don't think we would have had the beautiful marriage we have enjoyed without the direction of this amazing couple.

When Marc was diagnosed last year, Maxine started having some health problems of her own.  We haven't been able to visit back and forth and help each other much; however, we knew they were praying for us as hard as we were praying for them.  While Marc was doing chemo, Maxine was enduring back surgeries and issues with her heart.  Recently, though, we understood that she was gaining strength and her smile back again.  We were delighted to hear that even just yesterday she was at church and seemed to be doing much better.  We were thankful for that news.

But, today we have received different news.  This is the news that feels like a punch in the gut.  It's the kind of news that doesn't make sense and seems to overwhelm us with grief.  We sit tonight and pray for Maxine.  We pray that her pain subsides and that her body could heal.  We pray for Mel.   I know what its like to hear the prognosis and to watch my spouse in pain.  It is a terribly helpless feeling.  We pray that he finds peace and comfort -- the kind that surpasses all understanding.  It's there.  I hope he finds it easily.  We pray for their four children, their spouses, and their grandchildren.  Bring them together, Lord.  Give them that time together.  Please join us in praying for this couple and their family.  We love them dearly.

Also, please pray for Alan.  Our pastor has been working hard to help all of us this week.  Pray strength and wisdom for him.  This is not an easy calling.  We are grateful for his help and care during this time.

With love and gratitude....

Man Stuff

I can do all things through Christ
who strengthens me.

Phillipians 4:13



I have had this ongoing to-do list on my white board that I have ignored for most of the summer.  Listed on it are things that need to be done that are outside of my job description.  Marc and I have very defined roles in our home.  There are things I take care of.  There are things he takes care of.   For instance, I mow the lawn, unclog the hair balls in the drains, and cook.  He cleans up after I cook, handles most things mechanical (that I break), and everything that involves vermin.  As summer has progressed my job list started including many of Marc's usual responsibilities.  I wrote them on the board and then ignored them, hoping that somehow they would just go away. 

Well, here we are in September.  Summer is over and my list is still sitting there.  Over the weekend I took a deep breath and decided to tackle some of the jobs I had been avoiding.  First, the generator needs an oil change.  Hmmm.  Decided to pull the manual for that one.  After scouring the manual for better part of a morning (too proud to call the 800 number on the back to just ask for directions)  I found the type of oil I needed...or should I say oils.  Who knew it took two different kinds depending on the temperature outside?  Huh.  Since we use it in the winter I decided on the oil for cold weather.   That may be wrong, but it sounded logical to me.  I'm sure some helpful blog commenter will help me out.  Anyhow, got the oil home and it is still sitting on the counter.  I haven't had another half a day to consult the manual to figure out how one actually changes the oil.  Today I'm just enjoying the fact that I purchased oil and intend to use it.  Don't want to get too carried away.

Next on the list was the persistent wasp nest that has grown to the size of a soccer ball.  Bought another two cans of Raid for that bad boy.  Also bought a bottle of hornet killer for the nest that is in the ground.  I continue to procrastinate on the wasp nest.   I feel I should save some of the fun for my brother.  That has been a bonding project for the two of us.  I don't want rob him of any adrenaline rushes.  I did, however, decide to tackle the hornets nest in the trees.  The boys had pointed it out to me a couple of weeks ago.  I took a general note of where it was located and decided to wait until a cold night to do it.  Last night I tromped out in the dark with my flashlight.  I thought I had a good idea of where it was, but I guess not.  I spent a great deal of time examining the ground for their front door.  I knew I had found it when my flashlight disturbed their slumber.  The ground started to sound like a helicopter on take off.  I quickly dispensed the entire can of spray down the hole and ran for my life.  This morning the bees were happily flying in and out of the hole.  Are you kidding me?  I'm going to fall back on my father's secret method tonight:  gasoline.  Ah....to light the match or not?  I'm voting not.  Nothing good can come of that.

Last on the list for this weekend was crawling under the house to put down fresh mouse poison.  This has been by far the worst of all the chores on the list.  First, it involves crawling where rodents are and have been.  Gross.  Second, it's really dark and dirty down there.  Last, there are spiders down there that would rival Shelob.  I hate spiders.  A lot.  So, I geared up in my sweats, tucked the pant legs into my socks, and put on an old hoodie with the hood cinched down to allow enough room to see and breathe.  I was quite the fashion plate.  I then headed down the stairs into the abyss.  Julia felt my pain and stood guard over the entrance, asking constantly if I was okay.  I had thought about tying a lifeline to my leg, but I thought perhaps that would be overkill...or worse.. a little too dramatic.  After an excruciating five minutes I had placed all the new trays of poison, collected the old, and said the 23rd Psalm about five times.  I then emerged triumphant and gave thanks that I didn't have to go into the bowels of the house for another six months. 

So, that was my weekend.  I gained a whole new appreciation for my husband and all those years that he has taken on the gross and dirty jobs around here.  I was encouraged, though.  I procrastinated on all these things and they weren't all that horrible.  I guess I can do all things through Christ.  Who knew?!?

My weekend summed up in a picture.  Gives me the chills just looking at it!

With love and gratitude....

Protecting Normal

I have found that the last two weeks have been the most physically and emotionally challenging.  We were told two weeks ago that Marc likely only had two weeks left to live.  Here we are two weeks later and are grateful to still have him with us.  We have braced ourselves for fourteen days, understanding that every day could be our last.  The unfortunate result of that mindset has been tremendous tension and anxiety in our home.  I have been irritable, the kids are fighting, and we are all exhausted.  By putting an expiration date on Marc, our minds became consumed with dying....not living.

Last night I sat with the boys in their room.  Bedtime is when their minds start to race and they have lots of questions and concerns.   Both boys expressed their wishes and concerns.  Things like....Dad is so thin it scares me.  I miss his voice.  I wish we could just have a man-to-man talk like we used to.  Nothing is normal.  When can we do stuff like we used to do as a family?

I sat for a little bit, listening to their hearts.  This summer has been hard on them.  We have spent countless hours at home, caring for Dad.   They have cabin fever to the extreme.  And yet, while being home all the time, very little about their time here has been very normal.  I had to admit to myself that I was feeling the same way.  I have been so consumed with Marc's care and the demands of the kids, that there has been little time to create times of normalcy in the house. 

The three of us trooped downstairs to say goodnight to Marc and to discuss some of the boys' feelings.  I was hoping they would get some of that man-to-man time they were craving.  The conversation that followed was a huge blessing.  The four of us sat and thought of ways that we could come together and just be a normal family.  We brainstormed several ways that we could catch glimpses of what we used to enjoy so much when Marc was healthy.  We know that it will never be the same, but in some odd way by listing things we can still do together we gained hope and a new perspective. 

So, first on the agenda this morning was breakfast.  Marc will often eat a simple breakfast in his room.  While we always do our best to make something he will really like, he admitted that eating by himself in his bedroom is lonely.  We decided to all wait to have breakfast until Dad could get up (late) and join together for a simple breakfast.  He was able to sit in the wheelchair and enjoy hot cereal with the kids.  Having everyone eating the same thing at the same time seemed to bring us happily together.

We came up with other ideas, too.  Having movie night together.  Instead of heading upstairs to the bonus room to watch movies on the big screen, we decided it would be fun to pile on Dad's bed and watch movies on his computer.  The boys decided that when they read a book, they can sit with Dad on the couch and read to him.  We thought it would be fun to make cookies that Marc can eat.  Instead of chocolate chips cookies with nuts, we will make a softer shortbread that he can easily chew and digest.  While each activity is a shadow of what used to be, it also protects what is normal for our family.  And, instead of focusing on what will inevitably come, we can focus on the unpredictable surprises of  lives being lived.

I am grateful today for my sons that reminded me that each day is about living.  None of us know when God will call any of us home.  By worrying about tomorrow, it has threatened to rob us of the joy of today.  Despite our circumstances right now, we are going to do our best to finish strong with our amazing Dad and husband. 

Thanks for the continued prayers....
With love and gratitude....

Catching our Breath

I am relieved to report that this week has been a vast improvement over last week.  It hasn't been without a few bumps, but overall the last few days have been really manageable.  I have been able to manage without a hospice nurse since Saturday.  He had improved so much in those two days that the nurse had little to do. It seemed like a waste of resources to have the nurse hanging out, playing tea party with Sophia.  Though, that was a different break altogether for me!  

Thankfully he is resting well and is in little pain.  He is extremely fatigued and still losing weight.  Yesterday he was down to 128 pounds.  This makes it hard for him to stay awake or to move much.  He has moved to the hospital bed and seems to be much more comfortable there.  I had thought that would be a difficult transition for both of us, but it ended up being a positive one.  He is more able to adjust his position and the mattress is much softer and provides a lot more cushion.  Having him comfortable is cause for celebration around here!  The fact that he is absent from our bed seems a trivial loss in comparison to gaining some relief to his aching back.

The kids were disappointed this week that Dad isn't ambulatory any longer.  They wanted to show him how much the pigs had grown and what was growing in the garden.  They had visions of putting him in a wheelchair and wheeling him around the property.  All I saw was four children fighting over who got to push the wheelchair and the bumpy terrain between here and the barn.  Not a pretty mental picture!  Instead we opted to take the camera out with us during chore time in the evening and took pictures.  We then had fun bringing back the camera and sharing all the pictures with Dad. 

Thought you all might enjoy a happier vision from our homefront --- a slice of normal life.   Here are some of the photos that made Marc smile....

Kids and Hurley resting after a game of tag

Hurley Dog on the run!

Black Beauty saying hello....

Merrylegs and Superfudge checking out the slop status

Exploding Garden!

Some sugar peas the kids missed while snacking in the garden

Our first red sunflower!

Julia "fishing" for apples

Bumblebee working hard on the lavender.  The kids and I have had a lot of fun watching the huge variety of bees in the garden this year.  We find them all fascinating little guys. 

Uninvited guests (not as fascinating as their garden loving cousins) ......

Plus my crazy brother and doubly crazy friend....

Equals some serious Estacada-Red-Neck fun!  Woo-hoo!

Well, that about sums up life on the farm this week.  It was enough to bring some smiles to our faces.  Thank you all for your prayers this week.  Things eased up -- prayers were answered.

With love and gratitude....

Stupid Tumor, Cannon Beach, and Angry Me

I hit my wall this week.  Seems like the stupid tumor got the best of us in the last few days.  It appears that the tumor has progressed and has grown enough to block his gastric tube.  That means that nothing was draining from his stomach and he reverted to vomiting.  Back to square one. 

Watching Marc struggle with another setback put me over the edge.  I found myself suddenly angry and overwhelmed.  It just seems like too much.  Tuesday, our hospice nurse came out and she outlined what is happening and prepared me that our time is likely short.  Again, I found myself angry.  So, I did what any mature person would do and took it out on everyone around me.  By Tuesday night at bedtime I had ranted at my kids and was short with Marc. The whole house was upset....just because of me.  Nice.

Wednesday, Marc decided he would like to go to the beach.  I think he envisioned another day like we had at Timberline a couple of weeks ago.  So, we headed off for Cannon beach to spend some time alone and to get a break from the kids and house.   Well, for as beautiful as that day was, this one was...well....not so much.  He was so sick the entire time we were gone.  By the time we got home his pain and nausea were out of control.  It took all the pain drugs in our arsenal to get him comfortable.  He spent the night vomiting and sleeping fitfully.  It was a long night.  I was just more angry.

Yesterday, I  finally called in hospice.  We decided it is time for more consistent care and for safer equipment.  We will be getting a hospital bed and a few other things to make him safe and more comfortable.  I will also have a nurse for eight hours a day to help offset the work.  I realized that I can't do all of his care 24/7.  I had reached the end of myself.  The heaviness of the job in front of me, coupled with a lack of sleep, had contributed to my foul mood and inability to cope.  I needed help.

Well, for as dark as the week started, it appears we are getting a break and things are looking up.  Our nurse, David, came for the afternoon and evening last night.  He was a huge help. It was great to be able to turn things over to him when I had my hands full with the kids or was too tired to get off the couch.  I became a bit less stressed within an hour of his arrival.  The best part was that we got the tube working again and he stopped vomiting.  He slept (and therefore, I slept) through the night!   This morning looked much different around here.  He is comfortable and rested.  Angry Me has taken a deep breath and relaxed.  Now....off to apologize and make amends with my family......Ugh...the consequences of bad behavior....

Thanks for the continued prayers.  We obviously need them!  Please pray for Marc's comfort and peace right now.  And, please pray for me.  I would really like the self control to not throw another tantrum the likes of what we saw this week.  Not fun!

With love and gratitude....

Doctor Appointment

I received several calls today, asking about how Marc's doctor appointment went today.  Unlike previous appointments, when we learned critical information or had to make difficult choices, this appointment was just to touch base with his palliative care doctor.  Many of you have asked what role the palliative care doctor plays.  Basically, his role is to handle Marc's pain and help him achieve a level of comfort during the dying process.  There are no more tests, no more waiting for results, no more treatments.  This doctor works with Marc and with hospice to make him as comfortable as possible.  I am sorry if many of you misunderstood the objective of the appointment today.  We truly hope we didn't  mislead anyone into thinking we are pursuing more options or treatments.  Any cure for Marc's cancer from here on out will not rest in the hands of doctors, but in the Lord's.

Thank you all for continuing to care and to pray.   We are blessed by every single one of you.

With love and gratitude....

FAQ

I have received a lot of phone calls this week, which means I haven't been keeping the blog up to date.  I have noticed a theme when it comes to the questions that everyone is asking.  I thought it might help if I answered  the most frequently asked questions here. 

Q.  How are Marc's spirits?

          Marc continues to be at peace with his decision.  His spirits are good.

Q.  Is he eating?

      Nothing of consequence.  His last real meal was June 18th.  He does eat liquids and semi-liquids.  His hydration comes primarily from an IV bag given overnight.

Q.  So, is he gaining any weight?

     No.  He is currently at 143 pounds.

Q.  Does he have any energy?

      No.  He sleeps most of the day.  He saves his energy for an occasional outing, watching a movie with the kids, or seeing visitors.

Q.  How is his infection?

      Much improved, but not completely resolved.

Q.  How are the kids?

      They continue to amaze us.  They are communicative and aware of all that is happening.  They grieve everyday like the rest of us.  They also laugh hard and play every single day, too.  We are assured this is normal in a child's grief process.

Q.  How are you?

      I'm tired, but doing fine.

Q.  No, really, how are you?

      Really, I'm doing fine.  I have my moments, but God gives me the strength and courage for each day.  Like the kids, I grieve each day, but also find joy each day.  I am weak, but He is strong.....

Q.  Do you need anything?

      Some days yes and some days no.  Our needs vary from needing an errand run or help on a project, to just needing time alone with our little family.  It's a moving target.  I promise if we do need something, we will ask.  We are getting better at asking.  Promise.

Q.  How can we be praying for you?

      Also a moving target.  Depends on the day...the minute.  Probably the biggest thing we need prayer for as a family is continued peace, strength, and courage, in the days ahead.  That covers a multitude of smaller issues that come up on a daily basis. 


Thank you all for your continued love and support.  We are grateful for all of the concern and prayers. 
With love and gratitude....

Communion

And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is My body which is given for you; do this in remembrance of Me."

Likewise, He also took the cup after supper, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in My blood, which is shed for you."

Luke 22:19-20

We had another amazing day today.  Our family, dear friends, and the elders from our church, came for a time of worship and communion.  It was a powerful time.  I think the picture above pretty much sums up the last 18 months for us.  This circle of loved ones is just a snippet of what we have experienced.  I love this picture.  It's a humbling place to be at the center of this circle.  Thank you to all that prayed over us today.  Thank you to all that have continued to pray for us every day from around the globe.   Experiencing Christ's spirit at work through the body remains overwhelming.  We are blessed.

With love and gratitude....