Biding Time

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with Thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4: 6-8

I wake up every morning and face one more day of waiting. Our trip to Washington D.C. seems to be so far off and I find myself anxious. Seems like it can't get here soon enough. I find it hard to have a plan, but then having to wait weeks before any action is taken. Waiting. I don't like it.

Anxiety is an odd thing. Funny in fact. It makes me do weird stuff. For instance, my poor husband works from home several days a week. This gives me ample opportunity to observe him. The poor man can't flinch without me barraging him with questions. Are you okay? You feel alright? What's the matter? I think he is ready to kill me. I suspect he just wants to be left alone. No matter. I'm anxious and I need to know that he is, indeed, okay. Sigh.

After I have checked his vitals, I move onto my checklist of reasons why everything is okay. One has to reassure oneself, right? Doctor in D.C. has accepted him. Check. Details of trip shaping up. Check. Doctors in Portland are encouraged by the slow growth of the tumor. Check. Marc is feeling good. Check....well...better ask one more time....

After the checklist and triple checking if Marc is okay, I either clean something or cook something. If I'm extra stressed I cook something complicated that requires a lot of clean up. This kills time and keeps my mind off other things. I have also found that filling my time with volunteer projects, drinking copious amounts of coffee with friends, and running errands, will not only distract me from my worries, but also keeps me from being quiet enough to talk to God and hand my problems over to Him.

Ah yes, you see where I am headed with this. Really, is any of this worrying and anxiety getting me anywhere? No. Am I knowledgeable enough to know where I can find peace? Yes. Do I trust God enough to do that? Hmmm....Work in progress. My head knows that all of these details have been, and will continue to be, in His very capable and loving hands. My job is to rely on Him and simply have faith; however, my heart is consumed with worry for Marc, the what-ifs of surgery, concern for our kids, etc., etc., etc. That's the other nice thing about worry -- it feeds itself. I can lie awake at night and play the what-if game for hours, creating problems for myself that I don't even have. It costs me sleep and gains me nothing.

So, that leads me to my prayer request. I would be grateful to find a sense of peace in the next few weeks. We have LOTS of time before we leave and I really don't want to spend it being apprehensive and annoying. My husband would sure appreciate it. Speaking of whom...I better go check.....

And Exhale...

I feel like I have been holding my breath for a couple of weeks. Today we got to exhale and breathe again. The bad news is that the tumor has grown a bit. The good news is that the growth is very small. Since October it has grown 1 centimeter in width and 2 millimeters in height. So, technically, the disease is progressing but at what the doctor terms as a "glacial pace." While it didn't shrink and it isn't unchanged, we are okay with the slight progression. It has not spread to other organs and remains slow growing. The small increase should not keep us from getting surgery. Deep breath. Exhale. Sigh.

Thank you for your continued prayers and concern for us. We are kind of numb and tired tonight from the stress of the week. Amazing how much worry can take it out of us. I guess that's why God tells us not to do it -- one of the several reasons, I suppose. Go figure.

We continue to have lots to pray for: Details of the trip, concerns about the operation, logistics to work out, etc. I will update here some refined requests in a few days. Tonight, though, I am going to ask for some special prayers for a new friend. We met her up at the hospital when Marc was getting treatment. They are the same age (six days apart). She has two children (ages 2 and 5). We have enjoyed visiting with her and her husband over the past few months. She has been in treatment for three years now, being diagnosed just after her son was born. She had a CT scan this week, too. Only hers shows new growth and spread. They are starting her on a new regimen next week. Please pray for this family. While we were comforted today by our news, it is so hard to rejoice knowing that someone else didn't enjoy the same encouragement. So much about this woman has touched my heart. It could be that she and Marc are the same age with a very similar disease -- hers is just a more aggressive monster. Perhaps it's the fact that she is a mom with kids she wants to see grow up. Or, it might be the look of sadness and desperation on her husband's face. I know that look. Simply put...we know in some small part what these folks are going through. It's brutal and ugly. While we covet your prayers in the coming weeks, we would be honored if you could spare a few for "Our New Friend"

With love and gratitude...

CT Scan

We would appreciate your prayers this week. Marc has a CT scan tomorrow to check the status of the tumor. We get the results Wednesday morning. We are praying desperately that the tumor remains stable (or has shrunk!) until surgery in March. Being at the upper limits of what the surgeon wants to do makes us nervous. We would be very sad to lose this opportunity in Washington D.C. Thank you for taking the time to keep Marc in your prayers. We are grateful!

I will do my very best to post an update on Wednesday!

Washington D.C.

The coordinator from the doctor's office called today. The doctor has reviewed all of Marc's info. While Marc's tumor is at the upper limits of what they prefer, they consider him "do-able." Not the polished description we would have chosen, but it's good news nonetheless!

While that news is very encouraging, we are somewhat disappointed by the amount of time we have to wait for his initial appointment. We won't be heading out for the initial consultation until the first week of February. Surgery won't be until March or April. We were somewhat deflated by the delay, but have faith that at no point in this process has God let us down. We are anxious to get back there and get this monster removed, but if we have learned nothing else in the last ten months it is that there is a good reason for everything...even booked surgeon's schedules.

In the meantime we are going to practice some faith and patience. We have a lot yet to arrange and come to terms with. If you are praying for us, here are some of our praises and requests:

• We are grateful to have found a place for me to stay while Marc is in the hospital. I was dreading living out of a hotel room in an unfamiliar city. Suzy's folks have offered me a place in their home. We are grateful for the accommodations and a friendly face in a strange place.
• We have been offered airline miles from some dear friends. This is a huge help!
• We have decided the kids will stay here while we are gone. This has been a tough decision. My hope was that we could be together as a family to encourage Marc and each other; however, the logistics and expense are just overwhelming. My folks have kindly offered to take over duties here. They are courageous! I anticipate they will need lots of support and help. I also anticipate this will be brutal on the kids' emotions as well as ours. We are not looking forward to being apart for weeks. Lots of prayers needed in this department!
• We have learned from the coordinator in Washington that while Marc's hospital expenses will be paid by our insurance company, they will deny his surgical expenses. We are not deterred by this and plan to have an appeal written before we even start the process Please pray that our appeal will be granted and they will pay for the cost of the operation.
• Again, selfishly, we are hoping that he can have surgery sooner than March or April. The waiting is hard. If we do have to wait, we are praying that the tumor remains indolent and unchanged. If he is at the upper limits now, we don't want any additional growth.

Those are the major issues at hand this week. There remain lots of other little details that need to be addressed, but we are slowly working through them. We just remain grateful for the opportunity to have this surgery. As complicated as the process is, we are so excited that he is a candidate for this procedure.

Thank you all. You have been so generous with offers of help. Many of you have told us that you don't think you have done enough. Just remember that the seemingly small helps are enormous to us. Our cup overflows right now. Our burdens have been lightened so much by every act of kindness and generosity. We cannot express in words how humbled and grateful we are.

We'll keep you posted on any developments!

With love and gratitude...