Biding Time

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with Thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4: 6-8

I wake up every morning and face one more day of waiting. Our trip to Washington D.C. seems to be so far off and I find myself anxious. Seems like it can't get here soon enough. I find it hard to have a plan, but then having to wait weeks before any action is taken. Waiting. I don't like it.

Anxiety is an odd thing. Funny in fact. It makes me do weird stuff. For instance, my poor husband works from home several days a week. This gives me ample opportunity to observe him. The poor man can't flinch without me barraging him with questions. Are you okay? You feel alright? What's the matter? I think he is ready to kill me. I suspect he just wants to be left alone. No matter. I'm anxious and I need to know that he is, indeed, okay. Sigh.

After I have checked his vitals, I move onto my checklist of reasons why everything is okay. One has to reassure oneself, right? Doctor in D.C. has accepted him. Check. Details of trip shaping up. Check. Doctors in Portland are encouraged by the slow growth of the tumor. Check. Marc is feeling good. Check....well...better ask one more time....

After the checklist and triple checking if Marc is okay, I either clean something or cook something. If I'm extra stressed I cook something complicated that requires a lot of clean up. This kills time and keeps my mind off other things. I have also found that filling my time with volunteer projects, drinking copious amounts of coffee with friends, and running errands, will not only distract me from my worries, but also keeps me from being quiet enough to talk to God and hand my problems over to Him.

Ah yes, you see where I am headed with this. Really, is any of this worrying and anxiety getting me anywhere? No. Am I knowledgeable enough to know where I can find peace? Yes. Do I trust God enough to do that? Hmmm....Work in progress. My head knows that all of these details have been, and will continue to be, in His very capable and loving hands. My job is to rely on Him and simply have faith; however, my heart is consumed with worry for Marc, the what-ifs of surgery, concern for our kids, etc., etc., etc. That's the other nice thing about worry -- it feeds itself. I can lie awake at night and play the what-if game for hours, creating problems for myself that I don't even have. It costs me sleep and gains me nothing.

So, that leads me to my prayer request. I would be grateful to find a sense of peace in the next few weeks. We have LOTS of time before we leave and I really don't want to spend it being apprehensive and annoying. My husband would sure appreciate it. Speaking of whom...I better go check.....