Beautiful Day

Marc and I took the afternoon today and spent some much needed time by ourselves.  I wanted to get Marc out of the house for a change of scenery.  Both of us needed some time alone, away from the phone and kids, to just be together. 

Our first stop was the local cemetery.  Sounds morbid and somewhat disturbing, I'm sure; however, we found it to be not entirely unpleasant.  Marc wanted to check out the cemetery down the road and see if it would be suitable.  We strolled around and looked at the grounds, stopping to look at headstones and markers as we went.  There were markers for people that settled the area in the 1800's.  There were markers for folks that had recently passed away.  We teared up at the miniature headstones, marking a parent's worst nightmare.  There is something about the loss of a little one that makes our suffering right now pale in comparison.  Marc surveyed the area rather matter-of-factly, stating his preferences for location and we were finished.  As we exited the cemetery I looked back and surveyed the entire scene.  I was struck by all the numbers of folks lost over the years.  Each headstone marking a loved one lost.  Oh! we do not corner the market in sadness or suffering!

After the cemetery we headed up to Timberline Lodge.  This was Marc's request.  He wanted to see it one last time.  Timberline Lodge is a very special place to both of us.  We had our first date there,  we were engaged there, and spent the first night of our honeymoon at the lodge.  When we arrived we immediately headed for the second floor and found "our" area and settled in.  As I sat there I found myself unexpectedly overwhelmed with emotion.  So many memories and then...the realization that we would never come to this favorite place together again.  As I sat there and cried, I was struck by the sight of a wedding party staging for a ceremony on the terrace.  After a pang of envy passed, I was struck by the joy of the couple's day.  I found myself saying to Marc, "I wonder...."   I caught myself and was choked up.  First, it was because of those simple words "I wonder."  A good many of our conversations over the years have started with "I wonder."  I wonder how this color of paint would look in the living room.  I wonder if it's a boy or a girl.  I wonder how they get the pencil lead inside of a wooden pencil.  I wonder.  Marc has been my best friend for fifteen years.  I love talking to him.  I love asking him questions and discussing life's big questions and the trivial ones that satisfy big curiosity.  My heart broke in that moment.  Again.  I am really losing my best friend.  My "I wonder" statements will not have an audience very soon.  I am going to miss him.

The other reason I choked up was because of the "I wonder" statement itself.  After I cleared my throat I tried again.  "I wonder if she is as happy as I was 13 years ago." 
"I know he's not." said Marc.  "He could never come close to how happy I was that day."
I sat and watched the bride exit onto the terrace and join her groom.  I laughed as a motley crew of individuals gathered at the window to watch the ceremony.  Nobody can pass up the chance to see a new family created!  It was fun to watch.

I sat on that familiar couch and thought back onto our wedding day 13 years ago.  It really was the happiest day of my life.  Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have changed a thing.  I wouldn't trade one minute with this great man.  Our wedding day wasn't dramatic or expensive.   The ceremony and reception were simple.  Our family and friends were all present.  The memories came flooding back.  It was a beautiful day.  One I will never forget.

After I had soaked the three pathetic Kleenex I had found at the very bottom of my purse, I was done crying.  We moved upstairs to the Ramshead Pub and got a drink to share.  It felt like old times as we settled into deep conversation.  We discussed so many things:  When the oil needs changing on the car, when to get a new battery for the truck, who should get what possessions, how completely amazing our children are, places I should take the kids for a trip, how to back up the computer, and on, and on.  We covered details and concerns.  I asked questions.  He answered.  He taught me about the responsibilities that he needed to turn over.  Anyone eavesdropping on the conversation would have thought he was preparing for an extended vacation and was taking care of the last minute details.  And really...he is.

Last was a slow walk around the lodge grounds.  The weather was warm and breezy.  We sat in awe of the mountain and then turned and were in awe of the valley and the view.  Standing there, taking in God's creation, was so amazing and encouraging.  Our hearts, while sad, were also at peace.  We headed down the mountain while the sun was setting.  Gorgeous!  It was a beautiful day.  One I will never forget.

One Day at a Time

I just wanted to give everyone a quick update on the week.  We have been taking things one day at a time around here.  Each day poses its challenges, frustrations, pains, joys, and blessings.  God has been good.  We have been able to live life in the moments, savoring this time with family and friends.

Marc is holding his own.  He continues to battle through the pain and he is having some complications with the peg tube that they inserted last week.  We are suspicious of infection right now and are hoping to get on top of it quickly.  Despite his pain and frustration, Marc continues to push through.  He remains an amazing man. 

Hospice has been wonderful.  They have been very responsive and the resources they provide are fabulous.  They are really saving us a lot of energy and time by meeting our needs here in the home.  Instead of running to the hospital or the clinic we get to spend our time together at home as a family.  We are enjoying every minute we can.

The kids continue to amaze us.  We have had lots of good conversations with them.  Each one of them is navigating this differently.  Please pray for us in the coming weeks.  We need the wisdom necessary to parent our sweet children.  This has been the hardest part of the whole ordeal, I think -- parenting grieving children. 

We have had many requests to come and visit.  Marc does not feel up to company very often.  He is tired and in pain, making it hard to be social and polite.   Our position right now is this:  I love having visitors.  If you would like to see me or the kids, that is great! We need the diversion and the encouragement.  Just contact us and we will figure out a time.   Marc may, or may not, join us during a visit.  He may say hello briefly and disappear to another room.  He may visit for awhile and then get up and leave to find a place to sleep.  He may not emerge at all.  It's nothing personal.  It's just his need to have rest and peace.  This is a very normal part of the process. 

Thank you all again for the HUGE outpouring of support his week.  We are blown away by the incredible love we have been shown.  Our cup overflows! It's unbelievable..... Thank you.....

With love and gratitude.....

Hospice

We are finally home! 

This week has been one of our most difficult and one of our sweetest.  Marc has decided that after 17 months that he is done fighting cancer.  He is tired.  He hurts.  He is ready to let go. 

Over the last two days we have had some wonderful conversations with our palliative team.  We have come up with a plan and have invited hospice in to help us.  This is a difficult transition, but a necessary one.  He will no longer be doing any nutritional support.  His care will strictly be comfort measures.

One of the questions that has come up more frequently than others is "How long do we have?"  Only the Lord knows this; however, given our doctor's experience he has estimated between three weeks and three months.  A wide margin, I know, but dependant on variables too numerous to list. 

We would be grateful for your continued prayers during this time -- for Marc, for the kids, for our extended family and friends.  This is a grieving process for all.  I know many of you would like to visit and we will try to accommodate everyone as much as possible.  Depending on how he is feeling on any given day will dictate how much (if any) company he can handle. 

Again...thank you all for serving us and loving us in this time.  We are humbled daily by all the blessings that are showered on us. 

With love and gratitude....

Surgery Update

Thank you all for your consistent prayers.  Surgery was not quite the success we had hoped.  The gastric bypass surgery was not an option once the surgeon had a chance to open him up.  There is simply too much tumor encasing his intestine.  Instead, the doctor inserted the peg tube we had discussed a couple of weeks ago.  Fortunately, that went as planned and he has stopped vomiting; however, he is in a great deal of pain and has spiked a bit of a fever this morning.  Please pray that we get some relief from the complications of the surgery.

We know many of you would like to visit and/or call.  I would ask on his behalf that you do not.  He is not up to visitors today and he cannot talk on the phone.  I will update here as I can.  Feel free to email or post to this site.  I will pass on any messages I receive. 

With love and gratitude...

Hay! Thank you!

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

I Peter 4: 8-11

Marc and I want to give a HUGE thank you to John and Sheila McDonald, Ted Hodgkiss and crew, and Eric and Brenda Meyer, for loading and storing five tons of hay in our barn today!  To say that it was a blessing is an understatement.  Again, we are overwhelmed by our friends and our church body that serve us and love us so generously.  We are humbled and grateful beyond words.

Also a big thank you to Herb and Diane Flick for the yummy dinner they delivered to our home tonight. What a feast!  It was enough to feed our brood with leftovers for another entire meal!   Thank you Herb and Diane for making the trip out here and treating us so generously.

We feel very loved. -- if not downright spoiled -- today.

With love and gratitude...

Surgery

We have endured a bit more emotional whiplash this week.  We met with Marc's oncologist and palliative care doctor on Wednesday.  Both were good meetings and we came away with some ideas and prescriptions that will hopefully ease his pain and vomiting spells.  Both have been difficult the last few weeks and we are somewhat desperate to get control of both.

Friday we finally met with the elusive surgeon that was supposed to help Marc a couple of weeks ago.  Yes, he does exist!  We had a great meeting with him and he is very optimistic about a couple of options.  The first option is to put the peg tube in his stomach.  This would allow him to vent the gas and bile from his stomach without vomiting constantly.  The second option (the one we are shooting for) is a gastric bypass.  The doctor feels fairly confident that he can bypass the blockage in his small intestine.  This would alleviate the vomiting, but would also allow him to eat again.  We like that idea!  While the procedure is not a cure and would not prolong his life, it would allow him to have a measure of normalcy in his life again.  Taking all of his nutrition by IV has been a drag.  The smell of summer barbecues or the sight of a big bowl of ice cream, put him over the edge.  To sit down and have a meal with family again is something dreams are made of!

So....Monday we head back up to the hospital.  This time the surgeon actually knows we are coming and is prepared for us -- not in Asia as he was last time.  Sigh (I'm still a bit grumpy about the last escapade).   They are adding him into the schedule, so the guess is that he will go in between noon and four o'clock. 

We would ask for your continued prayers during the upcoming week.  Please pray for the surgery and recovery.  This operation is not without risks and it could make him quite sick if there are complications.  Pray for the kids as they face another week of ping-pong parents, as I bounce back and forth between hospital and home.  Pray for all of our family and friends that will be helping us during this week that they don't get worn out or tired.  I would appreciate your prayers for myself, too -- I have gotten a bit worn out the last couple of weeks.  I'm hoping to get some good rest this weekend before we head off to the hospital on Monday. 

With love and gratitude....

Independence Day Fun....

We were able to make our annual trek over to Dave and Karen's for the Fourth.  It was a good day -- not without drama....thanks to my kid brothers that indulged in some illegal fireworks from Vancouver.  The Happy Valley mall cop in his golf cart was not very pleased (not very Happy-Valleyish if you ask me :).  The three cruisers that rolled up added a little dramatic flair to the whole evening.  At least it was memorable! The kids are still a little traumatized from thinking that Uncle was going to get hauled away by the police.  Ended up being just ticket and a lesson learned.  Men and their explosives. Sigh.

Anyhow, it was good to get out and enjoy family and friends.  Not much else to say this week, so I'm just posting some pictures.  Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

Hanging out with Uncle Paul, enjoying the garage band tunes.

Being Fancy with Auntie

Nothing like a good friend and kettle corn to make for a sweet Fourth of July

Giving thanks for good friends and happy smiles

Cuddling with Daddy before the big fireworks show

Getting ready to light some stuff on fire!

Boys and fire.  Inseparable.

My monkey!

WANTED!!!!

Naughty guy that lights off fireworks.

We thought this would make a good mug shot....

Actually we were trying to capture Jim's lovely waxed moustache on film!

Yes, girls, he is single.....