A Father's Hug...

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:35-39

I have been awakened in the middle of the night for the last ten days with a little face peering at me in the green light of my alarm clock. It's Sophia. I have been exhausted the last two weeks, so to have a three year old fussing at my bedside at 2 a.m. is not helping my grumpy state. Typically I let out an exasperated sigh and a groan (in hopes that Marc will miraculously wake up and deal with her....no such luck) and usher her back up the stairs as quickly as her little legs will take her. I give her a stern mumbling to, tuck her back in bed, and stumble back down the stairs before I'm too awake to fall back asleep. She will typically cry a bit when I leave. I understand that she is at the stage when the dark is frightening. She worries, too, about being alone in her room -- fears that Dad and Mom are too far away in case she needs us. I understand her fears, but I also know that they are unfounded. There is nothing to fear in her room. Marc and I are not going anywhere and we will hear her if there is a problem. I know this. I know all of this because I am an adult and the parent. I know that it is my job to care for her and protect her. It is also my job to encourage her to be a big girl and stay in her own bed. The things she is worrying about are her parent's responsibility. She should rest easy and have no fear.

I often learn the most about God's characteristics from my children. I am frustrated with Sophia. We have spent weeks on end now trying to get her to just stay in her room during the night. I compare my relationship with her to the relationship I have with God. I often wonder if He gets frustrated that I won't rest easy at night, but fuss at him about my worries and fears. He doesn't get frustrated -- He is always there to hear my heart (if only I could be so patient with my three year old). And as my heavenly Father, He knows that I have nothing to fear. My stress about the future and my grief are unfounded. He knows this. He knows this because He is God...my Father. The worries in my life are His responsibility, not mine. I should be able to rest in this blessed assurance. But, just as my daughter cannot shake the fear of a dark, quiet house, I cannot shake the fear and grief that seems all too familiar these days.

It was with this in mind the other night when, much to my chagrin, Sophia arrived on queue by my bedside. I contemplated marching her upstairs once again, but her sobs and pleas touched my heart. No tough love for her that night. Instead, she was pulled into bed with her mom and dad. She sobbed a last time and fell instantly to sleep. I sat holding her for a long time -- unable to sleep due to all the worries in my head...and the fact that I now had only ten inches of bed space to myself. While I understand that discipline is necessary to teach Sophie to face her fears and mature, I also understand that sometimes we are just undone and need some grace and a break.

The sorrows seemed to mount at an incredible rate in the last month. We were absorbing blows regarding Marc's tumor, a family death, strained relationships, our friends' children facing illnesses and surgeries, financial pressures. The list of big burdens goes on and on. I know God is teaching us a lot right now about Himself and our relationship with Him. I know I will be refined and more mature when this season is over; however, my capacity to grow that fast seems limited. That night when Sophia oozled into my bed, I asked God specifically for a break -- a mercy...just like I was giving my daughter. For the first time in the last week I feel the storm relenting a bit. I have felt the peace of my Father drawing me close, giving me some grace and mercy. I have been pulled back a bit from the precipice and find myself encouraged and more hopeful. While things aren't by any means perfect, life has certainly been more peaceful in the last week. We are enjoying the quiet...

The news this week from the doctor was nothing dramatic. That in and of itself is dramatic around here! Marc continues to look good and has gained three more pounds. His tumor marker is unchanged at 85. The doctor predicted this would happen. They anticipate the marker to start moving downward after this treatment with the new regimen. So, to have something go as the doctors predicted and to be in a stable place is reason to be thankful! Not having worries to add to our plate for the next two weeks seems like an unbelievable burden lifted.

We have been grateful for the concern and inquiries in the last two weeks. Your prayers and support have been amazing. We continue to be humbled by all that we have been blessed with -- loving family, loyal friends, a great employer, and wonderful health care. Marc has four more treatments in this cycle to complete. As we face the next ten weeks, we would continue to be grateful for your prayers. Specifically....

• This new medication will work to starve the tumor.
• That the above medication will be covered by insurance.
• That his cancer is pushed into remission. A complete healing would be so amazing!
• That we continue to maintain peace in our household. Trying to keep things normal around here is a challenge in itself.
• That we would continue to see how God is at work in all of this.
• Lastly, we would just ask that you join us in giving thanks for the daily mercies He has shown us. I am personally so grateful for the calm and peace we have had in the last week.

With love and gratitude...

A Plateau and A Dangerous Precipice

Marc completed his seventh treatment today. When he goes to the clinic to get his pump unhooked he makes a point of finding out what his tumor marker results are from his blood tests on Tuesday. Usually it is a reward for the three days of treatment to find out that, once again, his tumor marker has decreased. The treatments seem worth it as long as there is proof that it is working. For the first time today, that wasn't the case. His tumor marker moved up two points from 83 to 85. While it's not a dramatic change, it marks a change in direction and raises more questions. Is the treatment still effective? What does this plateau mean?

In the last two days we have had a lot of questions swirling about his unchanged CT scan, the nature of his cancer, the source of this cancer (primary source), and the additional component of his chemo treatment. Again, waiting on the unknown is so difficult. We just continue to pray and hope that these treatments are effective and that he will go into remission.

I feel as if these past couple of weeks I have been standing on a dangerous precipice. I teeter on the edge of hope and faith, overlooking a chasm of great grief and despair. Since Marc's initial diagnosis I have clung fairly well to the edge; however, in the last two weeks I feel as if my footing is crumbling and I'm inches from a free fall. Today, finding out that the marker didn't go down, seemed like more than I could handle. Again, it wasn't a huge change...just a lack of reassurance to which I'm accustomed. It doesn't take much these days to push me to the edge -- another broken lawnmower, increasing tumor markers, a temper tantrum (my child's...not my own). My grit and determination have long given out. I'm done. I cannot fix any of this. Today I was swept away by the realization that none of this is in my control. It doesn't matter how many nutritious meals I prepare for Marc, how faithful I am in going to his appointments, or how diligent I am about reading about possible treatments and cures. There is little I can do, but wait on the Lord for the answers. I have burdened myself to the point of certain destruction if for one minute I think that I have a responsibility in fixing this. God is more than able to carry this burden and to protect me from falling off the cliff.

So, today I feel like I have come to a crossroads of sorts. I have a choice. Do I continue on the road most traveled? This is the road that most of us take, requiring that we shoulder our own sorrows, worries, and ability to fix things. Or, do I take the road that most ignore? Do I surrender all of this and allow God to work perfectly in my husband's life and in my own? Do I trust Him with my husband's health and my broken heart? Do I trust that He cares for my children and that their stress and concern are close to His heart? Does he get to handle my worry about finances, logistics, and the future? There is so much at stake here. Do I trust this road? Do I trust Him?

We would greatly appreciate your prayers as we find our footing this week.

With love and gratitude...

Stable...

Thank you all you wonderful people that have been praying for us! We can't tell you how much it has helped us in the last two weeks.

Today we got the results from Marc's CT scan. I had been praying that we would see obvious signs that the tumor is shrinking. Well, that isn't the case, but we are grateful for the news we received. From the scan it appears that the tumor is about the same size and location. It actually measures a fraction of a centimeter larger, but the doctor wasn't too concerned about that -- he attributes that amount of change to position or other outside factors. The doctor was very encouraged that the cancer hasn't spread and appears stable. He believes the tumor is reacting how it should to the chemotherapy. The tumor markers are going down consistently and Marc is no longer in pain from the cancer -- all signs that it could be becoming dormant. He also felt that the tumor is more mobile, meaning it is likely no longer adhering to his abdominal wall. These are all good signs that things are still moving in the right direction.

At this time Marc will continue on the same chemo regimen for the next six rounds. He was hoping they would lay off a bit, but he is tolerating the treatments well enough that the doctor wants to keep nuking it. He is also adding another component to his regimen. This medication will hopefully reduce the number of blood vessels supporting the tumor in hopes of starving it. After three of these treatments they will scan again to see if the tumor is reacting. This is a new prayer need for us. We were informed today that this medication is not FDA approved for the type of cancer that Marc has. There may be a possibility that insurance will not pay for it. We initiated treatment today without knowing if it will be covered. This is not an inexpensive treatment and if it is not covered we will be financially liable and there is no way we can afford to pay these medical costs. A scary thought. Please pray with us that this treatment will be covered as the doctor feels it will greatly increase the effectiveness of Marc's chemotherapy.

Again, thank you all for your continued prayers and support. I must thank my dear friends, Mel and Jennifer, once again for taking the kids all day. This was a long day of appointments and treatments. I am so grateful to be able to sit with Marc for all of it. The fact that we have friends willing to help so generously with the kids during summer break is a huge blessing. We are so grateful!

With love and gratitude....

Eye of the Storm

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Yesterday we had the quite the thunderstorm at our house. It was a big topic of conversation between friends and family today! Marc and I had heard the weather forecast and quickly brought the horses in and wrapped up stuff outside. We turned off all our electronics and shut all the windows. We then gathered the kids and made for the front porch for the big show!

As we sat on the porch we marveled at the size of the storm rolling in. We could see these huge grey clouds looming on the horizon. The air was really humid and all the birds stopped singing. We heard a few rumbles of thunder and the wind picked up. Within minutes we could see fast moving clouds rolling over us, lightning sparking on the edges. The thunder was non-stop and we were in awe of the lightning bolts cracking nearby. It was a powerful sight! As we watched the light show, we could see the wall of water marching right behind it. I'm not exaggerating -- it was literally a wall of rain. I know those of you in the Midwest and the south are accustomed to deluges, but here it is a unique sight to see a field flooded in minutes. The rain hit the roof and gutters so hard that we were behind a waterfall of rain and mist on the porch. Breathtaking to say the least!

Watching that storm roll over our property like a huge black blanket, I couldn't help but relate it to my own life this week. I have commented on several occasions that I feel overwhelmed by the constant barrage of stress and hard news. It seems that there has not been a break from the black rain cloud that has shadowed us recently. I don't mean to say that life right now is all bad -- I'm not quite Eeyore yet; however, I find myself growing weary of having to look past all the grief and stress surrounding us right now to find the blessings. I told Marc this week that I would welcome something just "plain good" -- some bit of news, an event, an interaction, that was pure and wonderful. Something to rejoice in. Instead, I have felt like I have been standing there with cloud after cloud rolling over me without an end in sight.

As I sat on the porch I noticed how excited my kids were. They were deliciously afraid at every crack of thunder and flash of lightning. As the rain started they were on the edge of the porch, gasping as the mist and rain startled them. They were enjoying the thrill of God's power. My mind until then was occupied with other concerns. I was wondering what I would make for dinner if the power were to go out. Did I turn off the computer? Were there any windows that I left open? And what about the garden? Would the seedlings that just popped up make it through such a powerful downpour? My kids' delight reminded me that sometimes the storm just needs to be experienced. There isn't anything else to do, but marvel at His power and stand in awe of what He can do.

I have thought a lot about the storm today. I feel like I have been in the eye of the storm all week, black clouds swirling around -- grief, worry, anxiety. But storms are powerful things. They demand our attention. And, as we watch, we get to see His power unleashed. So, in the midst of my stormy week, I look to the Lord to show me His amazing power and what He can do in my life. How is he going to use this turbulent time in my life to reflect His strength? How is He going to work His wonders through the midst of my storm so that we can all see Him? I just pray that I can react like my kids did to a thunderstorm. I want to embrace the experience with fear and awe, but with the anticipation that I am about to see something glorious in all of it!

Please help us prepare for next week. We would appreciate prayer for the following:

• That Marc's scan results are encouraging and that we are beating this cancer.

• That Marc's next round of chemo is tolerable and that the side effects (especially the numbness in his mouth and fingers) are minimal

• That his re-entry into the work world is positive and seamless. He is so excited to return!

• That I am emotionally strong enough to make it through Grandma's memorial service and burial. Her passing in and of itself is difficult, but the nature of her cancer and its result has hit very close to home for us.

• We have chosen to allow the older children to attend both services. We are praying that is a wise choice.

With love and gratitude....

Some pictures of our big storm watching!

Waiting for the storm...

A few minutes later. A few lightning strikes. Notice how dark it got!

Rain waterfall!

The audience decided it was a bit too wet and windy. Time to retreat behind the quilt.

Goodnight, Irene....

Irene McMenamy

September 3, 1918 - June 1, 2009

For your amazing faith; for your gift of prayer; for your persistent spirit; for wonderful meals, camping trips, and family memories; for your transparency and vulnerability; for your loving arms and sweet embraces; for your gift of hospitality and your delightful home; for the love and laughter you shared with all; for your delight in children; for your incredible work ethic; for all the joy, all the sadness, and all the blessings, we have shared as a family;

for these things and so many more -- thank you.

I will miss you, Grandma.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

2 Timothy 4:7

The Gift of....Gifts

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.

James 1:17

Marc and I were blessed last year to begin supporting a dear couple that is heading to Germany with Campus Crusade for Christ. John and Shelly will be working with Crescendo Arts, reaching Europe through the arts. We were excited about supporting John and Shelly for a lot of reasons, but what appealed to me personally is the gifts that these two individuals are using to serve others. Shelly will be serving through her art. John will be using his business skills. Two of my favorite things!

We have been amazed at their patience and trust in God while they have chipped away at raising support. More than a year has gone by and they are three quarters of the way there. While I know they have been eager to get going, I have been grateful to the Lord for their delay. When Marc was being diagnosed we were comforted by this couple as they would send us texts, asking how they could pray for us. They have faithfully prayed for us over the months -- on one occasion Shelly caught me in the foyer of church and just hugged me and prayed while I cried on her shoulder. I was so humbled. When Marc was in the hospital, they both arrived at my house with a delicious meal for me and the kids. They have consistently offered their prayers and support.

A couple of weeks ago Shelly called me and wanted to bring something by. She was vague, but I could tell by the smile in her voice that it was something special. She arrived with the most beautiful canvas art she had created. On the canvas she had placed painted silhouettes of birds -- one for each day of Marc's treatment. She had found many references to birds in the Bible and had focused on how God has used them to illustrate his love for us. She left Marc with more silhouette cut-outs so that he could continue the project until his treatment is over. As he finishes each round he spends time pasting the birds, counting down the days until his treatments are complete and reflecting on how blessed we truly are.

I am grateful for the spiritual gifts that each of our loved ones has brought to our time of need. Each one is so special. I am grateful for John and Shelly. This was a friendship that started out with a gift -- a pledge of support for their mission. It has resulted in a sweet gift of friendship. And, then there is the tangible gift that our dear friend labored over that reminds us daily that His eye is on us and His hand comforts us. Thank you, John and Shelly, for blessing us during this interim time in your lives. You are anxious to begin your mission work, but I would argue that you are serving beautifully here in a very meaningful way!

To learn more about John and Shelly, you can find them here: www.give.ccci.org/give/0603984

Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

Matthew 6: 25-27

With love and gratitude....