Romans 8:35-39
I have been awakened in the middle of the night for the last ten days with a little face peering at me in the green light of my alarm clock. It's Sophia. I have been exhausted the last two weeks, so to have a three year old fussing at my bedside at 2 a.m. is not helping my grumpy state. Typically I let out an exasperated sigh and a groan (in hopes that Marc will miraculously wake up and deal with her....no such luck) and usher her back up the stairs as quickly as her little legs will take her. I give her a stern mumbling to, tuck her back in bed, and stumble back down the stairs before I'm too awake to fall back asleep. She will typically cry a bit when I leave. I understand that she is at the stage when the dark is frightening. She worries, too, about being alone in her room -- fears that Dad and Mom are too far away in case she needs us. I understand her fears, but I also know that they are unfounded. There is nothing to fear in her room. Marc and I are not going anywhere and we will hear her if there is a problem. I know this. I know all of this because I am an adult and the parent. I know that it is my job to care for her and protect her. It is also my job to encourage her to be a big girl and stay in her own bed. The things she is worrying about are her parent's responsibility. She should rest easy and have no fear.
I often learn the most about God's characteristics from my children. I am frustrated with Sophia. We have spent weeks on end now trying to get her to just stay in her room during the night. I compare my relationship with her to the relationship I have with God. I often wonder if He gets frustrated that I won't rest easy at night, but fuss at him about my worries and fears. He doesn't get frustrated -- He is always there to hear my heart (if only I could be so patient with my three year old). And as my heavenly Father, He knows that I have nothing to fear. My stress about the future and my grief are unfounded. He knows this. He knows this because He is God...my Father. The worries in my life are His responsibility, not mine. I should be able to rest in this blessed assurance. But, just as my daughter cannot shake the fear of a dark, quiet house, I cannot shake the fear and grief that seems all too familiar these days.
It was with this in mind the other night when, much to my chagrin, Sophia arrived on queue by my bedside. I contemplated marching her upstairs once again, but her sobs and pleas touched my heart. No tough love for her that night. Instead, she was pulled into bed with her mom and dad. She sobbed a last time and fell instantly to sleep. I sat holding her for a long time -- unable to sleep due to all the worries in my head...and the fact that I now had only ten inches of bed space to myself. While I understand that discipline is necessary to teach Sophie to face her fears and mature, I also understand that sometimes we are just undone and need some grace and a break.
The sorrows seemed to mount at an incredible rate in the last month. We were absorbing blows regarding Marc's tumor, a family death, strained relationships, our friends' children facing illnesses and surgeries, financial pressures. The list of big burdens goes on and on. I know God is teaching us a lot right now about Himself and our relationship with Him. I know I will be refined and more mature when this season is over; however, my capacity to grow that fast seems limited. That night when Sophia oozled into my bed, I asked God specifically for a break -- a mercy...just like I was giving my daughter. For the first time in the last week I feel the storm relenting a bit. I have felt the peace of my Father drawing me close, giving me some grace and mercy. I have been pulled back a bit from the precipice and find myself encouraged and more hopeful. While things aren't by any means perfect, life has certainly been more peaceful in the last week. We are enjoying the quiet...
The news this week from the doctor was nothing dramatic. That in and of itself is dramatic around here! Marc continues to look good and has gained three more pounds. His tumor marker is unchanged at 85. The doctor predicted this would happen. They anticipate the marker to start moving downward after this treatment with the new regimen. So, to have something go as the doctors predicted and to be in a stable place is reason to be thankful! Not having worries to add to our plate for the next two weeks seems like an unbelievable burden lifted.
We have been grateful for the concern and inquiries in the last two weeks. Your prayers and support have been amazing. We continue to be humbled by all that we have been blessed with -- loving family, loyal friends, a great employer, and wonderful health care. Marc has four more treatments in this cycle to complete. As we face the next ten weeks, we would continue to be grateful for your prayers. Specifically....
- This new medication will work to starve the tumor.
- That the above medication will be covered by insurance.
- That his cancer is pushed into remission. A complete healing would be so amazing!
- That we continue to maintain peace in our household. Trying to keep things normal around here is a challenge in itself.
- That we would continue to see how God is at work in all of this.
- Lastly, we would just ask that you join us in giving thanks for the daily mercies He has shown us. I am personally so grateful for the calm and peace we have had in the last week.
With love and gratitude...
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