Marc completed his seventh treatment today. When he goes to the clinic to get his pump unhooked he makes a point of finding out what his tumor marker results are from his blood tests on Tuesday. Usually it is a reward for the three days of treatment to find out that, once again, his tumor marker has decreased. The treatments seem worth it as long as there is proof that it is working. For the first time today, that wasn't the case. His tumor marker moved up two points from 83 to 85. While it's not a dramatic change, it marks a change in direction and raises more questions. Is the treatment still effective? What does this plateau mean?
In the last two days we have had a lot of questions swirling about his unchanged CT scan, the nature of his cancer, the source of this cancer (primary source), and the additional component of his chemo treatment. Again, waiting on the unknown is so difficult. We just continue to pray and hope that these treatments are effective and that he will go into remission.
I feel as if these past couple of weeks I have been standing on a dangerous precipice. I teeter on the edge of hope and faith, overlooking a chasm of great grief and despair. Since Marc's initial diagnosis I have clung fairly well to the edge; however, in the last two weeks I feel as if my footing is crumbling and I'm inches from a free fall. Today, finding out that the marker didn't go down, seemed like more than I could handle. Again, it wasn't a huge change...just a lack of reassurance to which I'm accustomed. It doesn't take much these days to push me to the edge -- another broken lawnmower, increasing tumor markers, a temper tantrum (my child's...not my own). My grit and determination have long given out. I'm done. I cannot fix any of this. Today I was swept away by the realization that none of this is in my control. It doesn't matter how many nutritious meals I prepare for Marc, how faithful I am in going to his appointments, or how diligent I am about reading about possible treatments and cures. There is little I can do, but wait on the Lord for the answers. I have burdened myself to the point of certain destruction if for one minute I think that I have a responsibility in fixing this. God is more than able to carry this burden and to protect me from falling off the cliff.
So, today I feel like I have come to a crossroads of sorts. I have a choice. Do I continue on the road most traveled? This is the road that most of us take, requiring that we shoulder our own sorrows, worries, and ability to fix things. Or, do I take the road that most ignore? Do I surrender all of this and allow God to work perfectly in my husband's life and in my own? Do I trust Him with my husband's health and my broken heart? Do I trust that He cares for my children and that their stress and concern are close to His heart? Does he get to handle my worry about finances, logistics, and the future? There is so much at stake here. Do I trust this road? Do I trust Him?
We would greatly appreciate your prayers as we find our footing this week.
With love and gratitude...
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I can appreciate the feeling of clinging to the edge oh too well. Different circumstances (mine does not compare), but those questions/ fears arise. There is no answer other then to trust in the Lord. I keep coming back to that answer, even though I search for clarification and detailed answers! God sometimes just doesn't give us immediate answers. And unfortunatly we are all human and I for one can be inpatient and a worry wart. :)
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, I feel that prayers, faith and hope has pushed me throughout my life to keep going. I know our prayers are heard. God has answered so many prayers from me over the years when I have needed him. He's held me up to keep from falling. I know he is doing so as we speak for not only me, but all of us. Although you can't change things, what you do DOES matter. I am sure it means the world to Marc. You and the kids give him that extra push to fight and move forward, even when it is hard to with what he has to endure.
Easier said then done, but travel the road that most of us ignore; Take care of you; Keep clinging; live one day at a time; take all your fears, worries, questions and place them in the Lord's hands. And as you know, you have us for anything you need. We will always be here for all of you. That is what family is all about. You guys are not alone.
I love you, Sis!