Stupid Tumor, Cannon Beach, and Angry Me

I hit my wall this week.  Seems like the stupid tumor got the best of us in the last few days.  It appears that the tumor has progressed and has grown enough to block his gastric tube.  That means that nothing was draining from his stomach and he reverted to vomiting.  Back to square one. 

Watching Marc struggle with another setback put me over the edge.  I found myself suddenly angry and overwhelmed.  It just seems like too much.  Tuesday, our hospice nurse came out and she outlined what is happening and prepared me that our time is likely short.  Again, I found myself angry.  So, I did what any mature person would do and took it out on everyone around me.  By Tuesday night at bedtime I had ranted at my kids and was short with Marc. The whole house was upset....just because of me.  Nice.

Wednesday, Marc decided he would like to go to the beach.  I think he envisioned another day like we had at Timberline a couple of weeks ago.  So, we headed off for Cannon beach to spend some time alone and to get a break from the kids and house.   Well, for as beautiful as that day was, this one was...well....not so much.  He was so sick the entire time we were gone.  By the time we got home his pain and nausea were out of control.  It took all the pain drugs in our arsenal to get him comfortable.  He spent the night vomiting and sleeping fitfully.  It was a long night.  I was just more angry.

Yesterday, I  finally called in hospice.  We decided it is time for more consistent care and for safer equipment.  We will be getting a hospital bed and a few other things to make him safe and more comfortable.  I will also have a nurse for eight hours a day to help offset the work.  I realized that I can't do all of his care 24/7.  I had reached the end of myself.  The heaviness of the job in front of me, coupled with a lack of sleep, had contributed to my foul mood and inability to cope.  I needed help.

Well, for as dark as the week started, it appears we are getting a break and things are looking up.  Our nurse, David, came for the afternoon and evening last night.  He was a huge help. It was great to be able to turn things over to him when I had my hands full with the kids or was too tired to get off the couch.  I became a bit less stressed within an hour of his arrival.  The best part was that we got the tube working again and he stopped vomiting.  He slept (and therefore, I slept) through the night!   This morning looked much different around here.  He is comfortable and rested.  Angry Me has taken a deep breath and relaxed.  Now....off to apologize and make amends with my family......Ugh...the consequences of bad behavior....

Thanks for the continued prayers.  We obviously need them!  Please pray for Marc's comfort and peace right now.  And, please pray for me.  I would really like the self control to not throw another tantrum the likes of what we saw this week.  Not fun!

With love and gratitude....