Soaking it up

Come now, you who say, "today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit"; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.

James 4: 13-14

The sun came out again this weekend. We found ourselves drawn outdoors to play and do yard work. I apologize for not posting sooner, but I couldn't force myself to sit in front of my computer when I could be outside having fits with my lawnmower. This time it was the starter that was stuck. It ended up being a really technical fix, though. Marc showed me exactly where to hit the casing with a hammer. Voila!

This past week was pretty brutal. We have been expecting the side effects of the chemo to decrease with each treatment; however, that hasn't been the case for Marc. This round was his hardest yet and makes facing next week all that much harder. He finally rallied on Friday and was able to enjoy most of the weekend. We are finding that I'm able to support him during his "down" days pretty well. After he has recovered, though, I crash emotionally. Our moods have become juxtaposed, making the emotional aspect of this trial much like two roller coasters passing each other on the fly.

We have been making the most of Marc's time off. During his good days we are able to do a lot with the kids that we wouldn't otherwise be able to do when he is working. Today we took a day trip to Silver Falls. We lugged the kids, lunch, the puppy, and the jogger stroller, to the park for a picnic and hiking. The day was beautiful and we enjoyed a lovely drive and a good time checking out the falls. I found myself conflicted, though, as I have a lot in the last few weeks. Despite how fun the activity, I feel a heaviness...a shadow cast that I can't escape. Knowing how serious Marc's illness is makes me wonder how long we have to enjoy these times. How many more hikes can we have? How many camping trips? Birthday parties? Christmases? I worry that cancer threatens to curtail our future days together.

While my mind wanders there, it doesn't stay. All I have to do is read the news for a wake up call. Car crashes, accidents, acts of violence (to name a few) all fill the headlines. A simple reminder that life can take an abrupt turn at any given moment. Like most, I once made the assumption that there is always time for another hike, another vacation, another hug. The cloud that hangs over me is the strong desire for the assurance that Marc and I have tons of time to do what we love with the people we love. We don't know what tomorrow brings, or next month, or years from now. I am forever changed because I now know that assurance can never be mine -- and never was.

This lesson is one that we have taken to heart. Cancer has taught us not to take one day or one person for granted. Right after Marc was diagnosed I was having coffee with a friend at the grocery store. I watched an elderly couple come in to do their shopping. I was hit with the most powerful pang of envy. I wanted to be them. I want to be that couple -- old, married forever, shopping with my husband. Nothing glamorous...just together. My envy quickly gave way to anger, though. The gentleman paused to look at a display while the wife carried on to do her shopping. Realizing he wasn't keeping up, she turned and snarled an insult at him. I was so angry, I wanted to shake that woman! "Don't be unkind! Don't say something that you will regret! Don't you realize how fortunate you are?!? You have your husband and are fortunate to be together...shopping! Don't waste it with petty arguments and selfishness!"

If we could share one piece of wisdom, it would be this: Life is too short and loved ones too precious to spend time harboring anger or acting selfishly. You never know when life is going to take an abrupt turn. Be ready. Forgive if you need to forgive. Seek reconciliation if a relationship needs mending. But, most of all, enjoy those that God has given you to love. Don't take one moment for granted. Don't waste it! Soak it up!

A few pictures from our adventures today....