Day 365. A No Go

Marc's operation is a no go. The surgeon spent a great deal of time going through our CT scan and determined that his disease is so widespread as to be considered inoperable. He didn't believe that doing the surgery would benefit Marc at all. More than likely it would do more harm.

We are beyond disappointed. We came here with one objective in mind and that is not going to happen. We are trying to wrap our minds around all of this. We are so sad, but remain confident that this doctor knows what he is doing and that God has all of this figured out.

All that being said, there is a glimmer of hope. As we chatted with the doctor about all of the tests that had been run, I mentioned a picture that the diagnosing surgeon took of his appendix during his laparoscopy last March. The doctor had noted that it looked healthy. One of the beliefs regarding Marc's type of cancer is that this type of tumor starts in the appendix. It should have looked diseased. Since it didn't, it led him to believe that it is a true adenocarcinoma with an unknown primary. In that case it may be a germ cell cancer that may respond to a different line of chemotherapy. He was quite excited about this one small piece of information.

So, you guessed it. Back to chemo. We are going to call tomorrow and schedule an appointment with Dr. Lopez and go over all of this with him. The hope is that we can start treatment next week. Dr. Sugarbaker said we will know within two to three treatments if we are making progress. IF the tumor responds to the treatment and IF it shrinks, he said he would gladly do Marc's surgery.

We are in a holding pattern again. We are devastated to a large extent that we didn't get the go ahead we were so desperate for today. But, we have a new direction -- one we would not have had without making the trip here. If it works it will ultimately be the best for Marc.

We would be grateful for your continued prayers and support. It's been exactly a year today since Marc first learned of his cancer. Tomorrow is day one of a new year for us. We pray that it will yield the life saving solution that we so desperately need.

With love and gratitude....

Déjà vu

Well, we are going to try to get out of town again tomorrow. We are on the same scheduled flights to DC. We are hoping and praying to arrive safely without a hitch.

This time we have planned to be there for the duration. I spoke with the coordinator yesterday and she told us they would work hard to make the surgery happen quickly -- no guarantees, but they know our wishes and will try to accommodate us. We are hoping that this will happen. However, with that mindset came lots of planning, errands, and scrambling this week. I think it was good in so many ways that we didn't go last week. I learned this week how ill prepared I really was!

Tonight we are stocked, organized, packed, and ready to go. We would just ask that you all pray for our family's safety in the days and weeks to come.

Other specifics to pray about:

• Our appointment with Dr. Sugarbaker would go well.
• That our surgery would be scheduled immediately
• That the surgery is a HUGE success!
• Please pray for travel safety
• Pray for my folks. They have the job of caring for our kids. I know they will do great, but speaking from experience...it's a tiring job. At least it won't be thankless! I can't thank them enough for taking over the daily aspects of our home and life.
• Last and most important. Pray for our kids. Pray for their health and safety while we are gone. Pray for their hearts. Being away from us is going to be hard on their emotions. While they are going to miss us, we have been touched by their support and enthusiasm for this operation. They see it as an opportunity for Dad to get better. We leave with their blessing.

Thank you for sharing in this journey with us. Your prayers, notes, calls, acts of service, and kind words, have been so uplifting in the last year. We really don't know how we would have done it without all of you. We consider every single one of you a huge gift from God. Many of the things you have done or said have been answers to specific prayers. Thank you.

On Monday we turn a new page in this story. We hope this new direction is a good one. While we are hopeful that we are heading towards a cure, we acknowledge that things don't always go as we hope. While we have tremendous hope, we also harbor all of the worries and fears that have accompanied on this bumpy road. We continue to acknowledge that God is sovereign and He has it all figured out. S0, we will leave the fear at His feet and watch how He will work in marvelous ways.

With love and gratitude...

Persisting

We tossed and turned a lot last night. At 5:00 a.m. we were able to call and talk to the coordinator at the doctor's office. Their schedule has been upset by all of the weather, too. Basically she told us to get there when we can and they would fit us in. We were really encouraged by their sympathy and flexibility.

After talking with the coordinator I called the airlines. After wrangling a bit with times we were able to secure flights for next Sunday. Our appointment with the surgeon is on Monday. The good news is that there may be a possibility they can work in the surgery the same week. That would be amazing! Ironically if we see the doctor next Monday (the 15th), it will have been exactly a year since Marc's very first appointment diagnosing his cancer. 365 days exactly. Talk about a year to remember!

Another twist to ponder. They have the hospital ward that Marc will be in under quarantine this week for Norovirus. Our coordinator was relieved we weren't coming in today. With the nature of the operation, Norovirus is something that is a huge risk better not taken. I was very humbled by this information. For all of our persistence in trying to get to DC yesterday, it may be that it is best that we aren't there for Marc's sake. I have to believe that God is protecting my hubby. I just need to remember that the next time things don't go as planned. I think I'm a slow learner in this area!

That's the news from our corner. I doubt there will be more updates until next week. Thanks for praying!

With love and gratitude....

Grounded

We had a nice dry run this morning. Got to the airport, parked, made it through security having only my toothpaste confiscated, and had a cup of coffee. Then our flight was cancelled. Bummer. Bummer to Nth degree.

We are grounded until at least Wednesday. That's the soonest they have anything going into Reagan Natl. The other hitch is that now we need a new appointment with the doctor. It was so hard to get this first appointment scheduled. This trip has been really difficult to plan. Soooo.....we are up in the air now as to what the plan might look like. We must wait until tomorrow to reach the doctor's office and start over again. Here are some concerns....

• We can get an appointment rescheduled ASAP
• That we can get a flight out in order to make it to the new appointment
• That our faith and patience holds out. We are really frustrated and disappointed today.

My friend said it beautifully this morning. " [Faith] is not easy. Those who say that to be a believer is easy, know nothing." It's hard having faith today when we are so disappointed. How will this all work out? We just don't know. But, today we (again) choose to trust and have faith that God has it all worked out. Is it easy? Not so much. I find it easier today to be angry and sad. For moments I just wanted to give up. Nothing about this last year has been easy. This trip has been more than a possible solution to Marc's cancer. It has represented hope. Today it feels like it slipped between our fingers. Then I remember we have hope for tomorrow. We will get up and try again. Ever onward.

Thanks for praying. Thanks for walking with us. We'll let you all know what we work out when it happens.

With love and gratitude....

Might Just Get There....

Thank you so much for your prayers concerning the weather. We have confirmed our flight and it hasn't been canceled (as of 10:00 tonight). We are praying for smooth travels tomorrow. We have had a lot of time to think about the snow storm and our worries surrounding our departure. We have had some interesting realizations that we will share later -- no time tonight...haven't packed yet!

Anyhow, we fly out tomorrow and arrive late in the evening. Marc's appointment is on Monday at 1:00. Please continue to pray that we will get good information and ask appropriate questions. We have huge hopes that this doctor will be able to remove the tumor completely. We feel so blessed by this opportunity!

So....here we go! See you when we get back. Thanks, again, for all the prayers and support. You are all amazing.

With love and gratitude...

Unknown Variable: Winter Storm

We have counted down the days until this weekend. Both of us have anxiously been looking forward to meeting the surgeon and getting this process going. We have organized everything -- childcare, travel arrangements...everything. Well, almost everything. Wouldn't you know that D.C. is expecting a huge snowstorm tonight and tomorrow. Who woulda thunk it?!? We are supposed to leave Sunday afternoon. This will likely be the first clear day in the city, according the weather sites. We are chuckling a little bit -- have to laugh or we might cry! Please pray that we are able to fly on Sunday and have our appointment on Monday. Obviously, the weather is something we couldn't plan for, nor can we control it. It's just going to take some old fashioned prayer and a faith that God knows what He is doing to trust that this will somehow all work out. So, if you have a moment to pray for the weather....Would you mind?

Biding Time

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with Thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4: 6-8

I wake up every morning and face one more day of waiting. Our trip to Washington D.C. seems to be so far off and I find myself anxious. Seems like it can't get here soon enough. I find it hard to have a plan, but then having to wait weeks before any action is taken. Waiting. I don't like it.

Anxiety is an odd thing. Funny in fact. It makes me do weird stuff. For instance, my poor husband works from home several days a week. This gives me ample opportunity to observe him. The poor man can't flinch without me barraging him with questions. Are you okay? You feel alright? What's the matter? I think he is ready to kill me. I suspect he just wants to be left alone. No matter. I'm anxious and I need to know that he is, indeed, okay. Sigh.

After I have checked his vitals, I move onto my checklist of reasons why everything is okay. One has to reassure oneself, right? Doctor in D.C. has accepted him. Check. Details of trip shaping up. Check. Doctors in Portland are encouraged by the slow growth of the tumor. Check. Marc is feeling good. Check....well...better ask one more time....

After the checklist and triple checking if Marc is okay, I either clean something or cook something. If I'm extra stressed I cook something complicated that requires a lot of clean up. This kills time and keeps my mind off other things. I have also found that filling my time with volunteer projects, drinking copious amounts of coffee with friends, and running errands, will not only distract me from my worries, but also keeps me from being quiet enough to talk to God and hand my problems over to Him.

Ah yes, you see where I am headed with this. Really, is any of this worrying and anxiety getting me anywhere? No. Am I knowledgeable enough to know where I can find peace? Yes. Do I trust God enough to do that? Hmmm....Work in progress. My head knows that all of these details have been, and will continue to be, in His very capable and loving hands. My job is to rely on Him and simply have faith; however, my heart is consumed with worry for Marc, the what-ifs of surgery, concern for our kids, etc., etc., etc. That's the other nice thing about worry -- it feeds itself. I can lie awake at night and play the what-if game for hours, creating problems for myself that I don't even have. It costs me sleep and gains me nothing.

So, that leads me to my prayer request. I would be grateful to find a sense of peace in the next few weeks. We have LOTS of time before we leave and I really don't want to spend it being apprehensive and annoying. My husband would sure appreciate it. Speaking of whom...I better go check.....